Suburban Savage

Is There An Ass For That?

March 13, 2010 at 7:54 pm (Uncategorized)

I was raised by a family which not only loved to engage in conversation but to do it well (topically AND grammatically speaking). A statement that started with, “Me and my friend….” was promptly corrected. It wasn’t only about transposing the position of the noun and pronoun. It was also about the proper use of “me” vs. “I”.

If I’ve already alienated you with the exceedingly dry world of English grammar, come on back. A bit of background information was necessary. I’ll try not to digress into technicalities too often (with a silent “t”).

Somehow, I was born with an unexplained ability to spell well: not bragging, it’s just true. Mom can’t do it. Dad can’t do it. Step-dad, so-so but definitely not Spelling Bee material. (Incomplete sentence)

Numbers and anything having to do with Arithmetic send me reeling. I just don’t go that way. Combine the spelling skill with the in-home grammar tutorial and you have a bona fide word freak on your hands. (Yes, in this context, “bona fide” is actually two words, not hyphenated.)

Spell Check as a useful tool is wasted on me. On occasion, I have discovered an extra letter or 10 due to my atrocious lack of keying skill. Classes on the topic of keying are now required beginning in Middle School. Back in the mid-80′s, it was just an easy elective. An easy elective so boring that I couldn’t fathom spending 40 minutes in front of a typewriter (TYPEWRITER, people) for an “A”. (and another incomplete sentence)

In 2010, most people under 30 can key like an Administrative Assistant on meth. (For those of you over 60 or unfamiliar with the Corporate world, using the term “secretary” is NOT okay. Some men employed in this profession find the word a bit gender biased. Imagine that.)

Thanks to this lightning-fast skill with a keyboard, Spell Check has become necessary for some people. For me, it’s a perfect example of modern civilization preferring to let someone else do the thinking. Often (silent “t”), the suggestions that Spell Check makes are ridiculous.

Take my last post, for example. When I used the word “gussy” in relation to dressing up, Spell Check suggested that my word choice was incorrect. Spell Check found that I might have intended to use the word “pussy”.

Ummmmmm, no. I do not generally “pussy up” before I go out with friends. Maybe if I were a stripping contortionist…….

I would like to make a trade-in for another writing tool. This new tool could resolve so many senseless misunderstandings and poor communications. No longer would I have to suffer through explaining “I didn’t mean it that way” in regards to a text or e-mail.

I call it Asshole Check.

Worry not, fair friends. There will not be a proctologist involved. This is all about letting our computers help us to convey our true tone and meaning. Imagine the uncomfortable situations which could have been avoided had your computer not been so concerned with “i” before “e” except after “c” but, instead, had helped you out with “This sentence makes you seem like a prick” or “Your tone comes off a tad pissy”.

Conversely, I could have avoided the text-imposed stress of lamenting over my ex’s seemingly flippant, “Did you pay the lunch balance at school?” I mean, that’s clearly an incendiary comment, right? You don’t…..think….so? Well, okay. Bad example then.

Regardless, (FYI, irregardless isn’t a word) I need this technology, desperately. What I now understand, after re-reading this post, is that I’m almost certain that Asshole Check would never have allowed me to publish this post. It makes me come off like such a bitch.